Ann Takamaki, Joker, Yusuke Kitagawa

A non-exhaustive selection of lines where the translation can be improved (Japanese raw for comparison: http://dl.hentaiknight.work/?l=e-hentai/g/1399939/47a7aa701b/) :

General
The Japanese original text has Ann and Yuusuke refer to the male protagonist as 暁 "Akira" (such as in the last panel of page 6), not ジョーカー "Joker", so technically, any instance of "Joker" in this translation is technically incorrect. Also, I have not gone over them all here, but you have changed in several instances what were plain moans from Ann into full-blown sentences.

Page 4 Panel 2
This translation: “Why are you looking me like that?”
Japanese text: え？裕介顔怖いんだけど
Author’s intent: “Eh? Yuusuke, you're making a scary face right now?” {I supposed your translation maybe could be defended as just being very liberal perhaps, although you are still missing "at" before "me" in that case}

Page 5 Panel 2
This translation: “Humph... Just like this?! Is the only way?”
Japanese text: ううう...どうしてこんな事に...
Author’s intent: “Ughhh...How did it come to this...?”

Page 6 Panel 4
This translation: “I know it is childish but... / I'm blushing so much. Joker...”
Japanese text: ...見られる趣味無いんだけど / やっぱりやめよ恥ずかしいよ
Author’s intent: “...”Being seen isn't really my thing. / Really, let's stop this. It's so embarrassing."

Page 6 Last Panel
This translation: “How do I look?”
Japanese text: ってか聞いてないし はあ...
Author’s intent: “Wait, you're not listening to me. Haa...” {The "Haa..." being a sigh}

Page 6 Middle Bottom of Page
This translation: “I tried to ask him, but he kept quiet. He was wrapping my body so gently...”
Japanese text: これはもう話しかけても答えないパターンだ
Author’s intent: “He's gotten into his habit of not responding to me anymore when I talk to him.” {a bit of a rough TL from me, but the difference from what is in the gallery now should be clear}

Page 7 Last Panel
This translation: “Joker...Are you sure you want to get to the end?”
Japanese text: ねぇ 暁 これって最後までしちゃうの？
Author’s intent: “Hey, Akira...Are we going to go all the way?”

Page 8 Panel 2
This translation: “Wow...You're so wet. ♥ / You're having a really good time, right Ann?”
Japanese text: いつもよりグチョグチョ♥ / やっぱり見られてるのは興奮する?
Author’s intent: “You're wetter than usual. ♥ / I knew it. You're getting excited from being watched, aren't you?”

Page 8 Panel 2
This translation: “Y-Yes..”
Japanese text: あは
Author’s intent: “Aha” {It's just a moan}

Page 8 Panel 3
This translation: “Oh my god... Ah Ah!”
Japanese text: はっあっあっあっ
Author’s intent: “Haaaaa!” {It's just a moan}

Page 8 Panel 4
This translation: “I wonder if this is okay.”
Japanese text: 祐介童貞っぽいしいいのかなぁ
Author’s intent: “Yuusuke seems kind of virgin-like, so I wonder if he's really okay with this”

Page 8 Panel 4
This translation: “What do you think Yusuke?”
Japanese text: 祐介本当にシテしまうが大丈夫か？
Author’s intent: “Yuusuke, are you really fine with us doing this?”

Page 8 Last Panel
This translation: “Wait! I'm not your toy!”
Japanese text: ちょっと！無理に決まってるでしょう！
Author’s intent: “Hold on a sec! There's no way I can do that!” {Also you removed the little box with 杏 in it. You probably should have left that in or changed it to a box with "Ann" in it}

Page 8 Last Panel
This translation: “Yusuke is a fucking pervert!”
Japanese text: 流石っ変態
Author’s intent: “Of course you'd say that, you pervert!” {the 流石 here gives the sense of "as expected (of you); just what I'd expect (of you)", which was missing in the translation}

Page 8 Last Panel
This translation: “What's wrong? You can stop when you want to.”
Japanese text: ん？なにか問題でもあるのか?
Author’s intent: “Hm? Is there some sort of problem?” {No mention of the stopping stuff}

Base +14, FireballDragon +9, elefat224 +7