Translated and edited by Desudesu.
Had this done...good lord, I don't even know how long ago, then didn't upload it for reasons I've forgotten. Probably nothing to worry about.

Raw: hoohttps://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/77485153

Page 2, "Binded" is not a word.
Page 4, inconsistent tense in narration, should be past tense.
Page 6, questionable tense. should probably be "must have".
Page 8, "wrap her head around it"?
Page 18, "equipments" is wonky. Try "pieces of equipment".
Page 19, wrong tense again.
Page 21, "till" is slang and unsuited for narration.
Page 22, generally wonky wording.
Page 23, misplaced "being".
Page 25, tense error again.
Page 29, "equipments" again.

Base +6, lksadjflkfdsaj -6, FerKing +7

There's something beautiful about the idea of "Body Development"
It's that odd mix of body modification, corruption, and mind break in just the right combo to bring a smile to my face
Ahhh, I miss when we had a bimbofication tag, I'll see it across the river styx one day.

Base +10, xyzdragon +8

@onenightes. Regarding page 29, I'd say "pieces if equipment" wouldn't really work there either - it would work for page 18 but not 29, I'd say in 29 just use "equipment", singular.

Base +10

@ onenightes: And that'd be the reasons. Oh well. Not gonna bug the guy for fixes on a years-old commission.

Base +14