So, since the complete doujin is at http://e-hentai.fbk.tokyo/index/g/1385761/df6adbdacc/
, i gather this was translated from a Korean translation? Oh well, if you must do a secondary translation, that's a better language than most, since it's syntactically similar to Japanese (or so I've been told) limiting somewhat the "Chinese whispers" effect.
BTW there's still some Korean on page 9... Also, four pages of credits is kinda excessive IMO.